Articles
Sorry Apologies - Part 1
An apology is a “regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.” It is an important part of repentance (confessing one’s sins – I John 1:9). You can see an example of a good apology when the prodigal son starts to turn his life around by telling his father, “I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son” (Lk. 15:21).
One of the basic messages of the Gospel, sent out to all men, is to repent (Mt. 3:1; 4:17; Acts 2:38; etc.). That means we all need to be able to apologize. But we aren’t always very good at it. In fact, sometimes we offer the sorriest apologies. This series of articles will consider a few of them.
“That’s not who I am.”
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that response from a disgraced celebrity or athlete. They admit that they’ve done something wrong, but distance themselves from the impact. It’s like they are saying, “Yeah, I did that, but it wasn’t me. That’s not what I do. That’s not who I am.” They punch someone, but that isn’t who they are. They don’t punch people. They shout something racist, but that isn’t who they are. They aren’t racist. They get drunk and have an affair, but they aren’t an adulterer.
That isn’t much of an apology, is it? It is more of a denial than a confession and more of a self-justification than an apology.
Beyond being a bad apology, such a statement is also a self-deception. What defines who we are? Our actions. “You will know them by their fruits” (Mt. 7:16a). What we do, is a product of who we are. A good tree produces good fruit. A bad tree produces bad fruit (Mt. 7:17). A person who punches someone is a person who punches someone. A person who drives recklessly is a person who drives recklessly. It is such an obvious truth, but somehow people want to pretend it doesn’t apply to them.
Our actions reveal our character because our actions originate from within us. Jesus said, “The things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man” (Mt. 15:18-20a).
Maybe the person is right, though. Maybe what they did isn’t what they would normally do. That’s possible, right? But that doesn’t change what the person did and it certainly isn’t an effective apology. Saying that you don’t normally gossip is not an apology for the times when you did. What comfort is that to the one you’ve hurt? Does that take the pain away? Did you hurt them less?
Consider Adam and Eve. We don’t know how long they were in the garden before they sinned against God, but, by definition, for the entire time before they sinned, they hadn’t sinned. Once they ate of the forbidden fruit, they, more than anyone else who has ever lived, could have used the “that’s not who I am” argument. Do you think that would have worked? Of course, they also realized that after that one sin, they had changed. They knew they were naked. They hid from God. They may have wanted to be the innocent people that they were the day before, but that wasn’t who they were anymore. Now, they were the ones who’d eaten the forbidden fruit. Only once. But that was enough.
What you do, defines who you are. Saying it doesn’t, won’t change the truth of it.
So, next time you have done something wrong and need to apologize, don’t go the “that’s-not-who-I-am” route. Instead, it would be better to say, “I did that. It was wrong and I’m embarrassed. I wish I hadn’t done it, but I did. I’m going to work hard not to do that again. Please forgive me.” That isn’t as easy to say though. It requires humility and vulnerability. But, maybe that’s part of what makes it a better apology.
